Wait for me. I know these three words sound so demanding.
But please wait for me. I have yet to uncover the beauty that you keep. A beauty that most of us fail to see. We look, but never really appreciate. I appreciate, but never had the chance to look.
So world, please wait for me. Because I want to fall in love. And loving you is easy, because you are one lovely thing.
I mean… How can you not instantly fall in love with the way rain trickles on the texture of your skin? or the way the leaves dance at the whisper of the wind? How easy it is to fall in love with the laughter of the world, and the sadness that time gives us each time a moment goes awry. and to love smoothly the moon that constantly amazes; with the stars that never fail to make you think you were a child again.
There’s nothing more I want to love in this universe. So let me love you world. And please, wait for me.
On the day you left, you took away my peace. Each succeeding moment became a battle, a storm… a chaos I pleaded would end. Waking up became a problem, and sleeping was far worse. My everydays became a routine, everydays that were not worth remembering, and sad, and wasted.
Everydays always started like days before you, until that hollow chest started beating loads of heavy shitty feelings in my heart, that eventually made me realize that that day would be another bad day I unfortunately had to go through. And I had to carry all those emotional baggage all day, pretending everything was normal when in fact, it really wasn’t. Putangina these feelings, I thought they would never end.
And then I had to go with that day’s activities, because mygod, life will never stop for anyone. My friends even tried to make me feel better by bombarding me with sugary encouragement, pero ano ba pare, hindi naman ikaw ang hiniwalayan. ako, ako. Shit. And I soon started to believe that no one would ever understand, kaya I brushed them off and told them that I got their point just so they would stop annoying me with positivity that’s inappropriate for my situation.
And it didn’t stop there. I go home and smile at my parents, because I didn’t want anyone to beat my ex up for leaving me, kasi nga mahal ko pa nga daw siya, sabi ng heart ko. And then I ended up in bed, tossing. turning. crying. and of course, not sleeping. Because that heavy feeling in my heart returned to end the day. What a wonderful ending to my everydays. Fuck.
And I used to think these days would never end. I believed each new day would be another curse filled day. I thought that this type of everyday will be my forever. But I was wrong.
I woke up one morning, and it was all gone. No more heavy chest, no more painful heart. It literally felt like cold air replacing the feelings in my chest, cleansing all the negativity away in my system. It felt really, really wonderful. I was breathing again, I was me again. And this was one morning I’ll never forget. The morning when peace was restored; the morning I became Frankie again.
In a matter of hours on Friday, Typhoon Haiyan completely devastated parts of the central Philippines. It was one of the strongest storms ever recorded. The death toll is estimated up to 10,000 with hundreds of thousands more displaced. The country has declared a “state of calamity.”
Okay… This will be awkward. But I asked myself to do this, so I will.
How are you? Like really… how.are.you?
It’s been ages since we crossed paths, and now that I’m writing this, I can’t help but ponder how it really came to this. A long time ago, you were my everything. You were my good morning, you were my good night. You were the very reason my days seemed better. All my days were spent with you - you in my sweet dreams, you in the first thoughts of my every morning, you in your get out of bed messages, you in i love yous, you in how was (insert highlight of the day), you in songs from the radio, you in poems and letters and blog posts, you in rants of the present, you in plans of our future, you in memories, and you in don’t ever let the bed bugs bite.
And now we’re here, back to square one. We’re back to beings who no longer know about one another. We’ve both changed since that time, that I’m sure about. And we’re now new people, discovering our new lives separately. Which is why I ask…
How are you? Is the new you a completely new one? or have you left some old pieces of you, ones I still recognize?
Will I ever still get to meet the guy who wore geeky shirts with geeky prints? Does he still ask his girl to pay for first dates (hahaha)? Does he still get mad every time some other guy hugs her? Does he still wear that geeky smile at the discovery of a new fact about her? Does he still have those pair of rubber shoes that were always worn with jeans? Does he still cringe at the sight and sound of bugs? These were a few things I didn’t appreciate when we were together, and I still feel really bad for asking you to change some of them. Now that I look back, these were the very things that made me look at you in the first place, and I ended up asking you to throw them all away. Damn… I’m so sorry.
When you truly love someone, you have to set them free. Freedom means being you, without allowing anyone, not even your partner change parts of you that were truly you. I was too caught up with the idea of my ideal guy, that instead of loving you for who you were, I slowly asked you to be like him. And acceptance plays a great deal to what our love should’ve been. I’m sorry, I apologize for realizing these things just now. I should’ve chosen you over the man I wanted you to be. But now it’s too late, and all I have left are regrets. But please do know that these regrets became lessons I learned from you.
I wrote this to thank you, for making me learn. For making me realize that love was never magic. I thank you for loving me, and letting that love stay in me. Thank you for teaching me how love really works. Thank you for being my first, for telling me that love really exists. And thank you for leaving me a more mature view of love.
I miss you, and I can’t wait to hear about the new you.
Stay in school and stay away from drugs. Prioritize and organize everything. Write lists. Try not to get caught up in the wrong crowd, even if you’re itching to fit in. These next several years are important, so make them count. Social media is a great tool, but use it wisely because it can ruin you in several ways. Your reputation can be soiled in a matter of seconds. Take responsibility for your mistakes and learn from them. The most important things in life that you need to know won’t be taught in school—they will be taught through people and experiences, loss and gains, and some more loss. Experience is priceless. Study abroad if you can. Travel as much as you can. Who you know is stronger than what you know. Read books that stimulate your mind. Don’t fall into the illusion that numbers and grades reflect your worth. The default path of education is not the same path to happiness, that’s a different road. You’ll live through heartbreaks. And remember that it’s okay to feel lost.
We were both equipped and loaded with love for each other, but we found separate reasons to hold the fire. We kept the fire hidden, even tried to forget it. But at times, we shot, these moments that made me believe that we still had a chance to ignite again.
And years after, this happened. Time now leaves me with regret. I wish I shot earlier, when a possibility was still a possibility.
This long war of our love has already ended. But you remain a soldier, now fighting for a different war. And here I am, retired, stuck… still fighting for the same old war.
I once read somewhere that it’s never too late for forever. Does this mean forever is still somewhere in our future? This ends with a hope, a hope I held on for too long.
“I don’t know” is a phrase I regurgitate every now and then; oftentimes said when the future touches a conversation. I was never the type of person who believed in following a straight path to success. I believe in detours, and long periods of lagging, and changing paths every now and then, because my vision of success is a life filled with experiences, a life shaped by learnings, a life of variety. Unlike most people, I refuse to be a captive of the specific goals I dream of reaching. I simply believe in one general goal: the abstractness of a happy future. The only goal I have in mind is to be happy, and I believe that happiness is living a spontaneous life; one filled with countless possibilities.
Possibilities, endless possibilities - these are the only things that I can fill this paper with. I don’t think certainties can ever exist in my current state; certain adventures, certain paths, and certain futures I can’t think of. So we shall settle for possibilities and let us now meet the possible future Frankies:
“Atty. Fernandez” - you just might meet me as a powerful lawyer in an all white get up; me braving storms in the lion- filled courtrooms. To be able to be the voice of the voiceless, to uplift the situation of the ones thrown away, to be the embodiment of the law reflected in reality, to sleep each night knowing I have helped a life for that day - these are what my parents dream for my future. Surrounded by family who constantly believe in my brain’s capabilities, I grew up believing I had enough skills to be a lawyer. This belief led to my parent’s vision of me as their star in the justice system, which leads to the life I will be living after college. Though I am no longer that convinced that this profession will suit me, I will still enter law school with an open mind. Who knows? I might end up liking the profession, and this possibility might just really turn into a reality.
“Dr. Fernandez” - A child psychologist who has become a mother to her countless patients. I just might be a monster, this stranger who children fear at the very first meeting. Then I become a burden, this nagger who gives more stress than their teachers since the emotional load has become heavier than the school load. And soon I’ll be the friend, their outlet for emotions and fears that have been building up inside them since God knows when. And then I’ll see them thank me, and live on with their lives. I dream of leading these troubled children out of the problems that stop them from fully experiencing the world. I dream of seeing progress, the wars that are won battle by battle. I dream of meeting them in the future, and seeing how they freed their own selves from the evils of mental diseases. I dream of being a child psychologist, the confidant of the scared.
“Teacher Frankie” might just be my future day time name. I once dreamt of becoming a light to others, of imparting knowledge to the youth who need guidance, of touching lives with lessons that go beyond the structure of a classroom. A total flashback 10 years ago would bring us to my Manila days, back when my grades in school was still the greatest way of making my parents proud. I would sit all day studying in front of a black board, writing down what I just studied, and discussing the lessons to my invisible students. That was me a decade ago; to become a teacher was my childhood dream.
“Miss Francesca Fernandez” is the woman behind countless inspiring commercials. I want to see companies hire me, because I have changed the way commercials should be made. I want to see people stop by television stores, just so they can watch that commercial that made them rethink of their lives. I want to see mothers thank me for their children have stopped wasting their lives. I want commercials to have values, to be reminders of how we have taken our lives for granted. I want to be Dove who tells of true beauty, or I want to be McDonalds who inspires with their stories. I want commercials to stop being just advertisements. I want commercials to be a source of change. This is the reason why I want to be part of the advertising world. Call me crazy, but I dream of becoming this kind of advertising agent.
“Frankie” - sometime in the near future, you might witness me strolling around the world, capturing moments one photo at a time. I dream of a life behind the lens, behind the little spectacles that this world offers. There’s just something about speaking with no words, speaking with colors, speaking with images from then and now. There’s something about moments, and life that needs to be felt, and captured, and shared. There’s something about finding beauty in the dull, appreciating the unappreciated, and believing that there’s a story behind everyone and everything. The current me dreams of a future with cameras, a future that I believe is probably the most nostalgic of them all.
“Miss Frankie” - a famous wandering soul from everywhere. It has always been my dream to touch lives with my writing; to have people quote certain lines from my work because it touched their inner core at some point of their lives; to see my sentences dancing in the minds of readers; to inspire the youth to write because writing makes everything better. It has always been my dream to discover the different parts of me in different places of the world; to share these discoveries with people of generation Y and to make them say “I will be like her someday”. A travel blogger, a hipster blogger, a writer blogger, a whatever blogger- my teenage self dreams of becoming a famous blogger.
“Miss Francesca” - you’re not so typical model. Go back to my Manila days and you’ll see glimpses of this dream. You’ll witness a young child, wearing stolen curtains from their living room, walking around in her mother’s office shoes, posing and smiling in front of her yayas. I believe I grew up unconsciously wanting to be a model; but it is not the glamour and glitz that I crave for in this profession, rather I prefer the influence over the youth that stems out from being an icon. I want people to see me as a different type of model, the plus- sized model who defeated the norm of skinny bodies dominating the fashion runways and magazines. I want people to see me and realize that being different does not equate to being less of a person. I want the youth to be courageous and inspired when they see that the minority is never under the majority. I want this change to happen when I become a model. This is my future dream, a wish of a possibility turning to reality.
“Mommy” - I will become the world’s best mother as proclaimed by my own children. Parenting, for me, is a process of turning art to reality; an art I hope I’ll be able to create someday. I want to be a mother, to let nature combine a masterpiece from my own genes, to watch these genes experience life each day, to teach and guide these children to the right path, to impart my own knowledge from experiences I gained in the past, to live a life for these children, to know what it feels like to draw strength from my own weakness and to understand what it means to love unconditionally. I have always admired mothers because mothers are true heroes; a group of heroes I wish to belong to when the right time comes. In fact, among all aforementioned possibilities, this is the only possibility that I am sure I want to be a certainty.
But then again, these are all still possibilities. Spontaneity is still the way my life will be. What do you want in life, Frankie? I don’t know. What job do you plan on having? I still don’t know. Where is your life taking you? I don’t know. Frankie, what happens in your future? I don’t know, I really don’t know; I don’t know a lot of things; I just know I want to be happy.
The problem with humans, is that, we care too much about what others think of us. Often times, their opinions make us captives who no longer chase what we want in life. I’m not telling you to just forget what others think, that’s hard. I swear, even at this point of my life, society’s opinion of me still bothers me from time to time. It takes a great amount of courage and acceptance to stop caring about what other people say about you. I’m still on my way to that, on my way of accepting myself fully, because I believe that acceptance of the self is one of the greatest things you can ever achieve in your life. You should learn to accept your insecurities, and change the way you think about them. Your insecurities can be a source of weakness, but it can also be your source of strength. Always remember that people will talk about you no matter what you do, and where you go. It’s just a matter of remembering whose opinions matter.